casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby