Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no