Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
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my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab