Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Ah yes. The three genders
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.