“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.