Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
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boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Go hard or stay average
A ghost story
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆