old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
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Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead