You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
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why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
bout dat hot dog summer
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?