Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
You Might Also Like
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.