the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
mechanics be like
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
what?