You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
You Might Also Like
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.