Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
You Might Also Like
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Home is where your toilet is.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Labreador
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?