You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
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they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.