I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
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[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Jupiter
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now