Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
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ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
i’m having this made into a welcome mat