Do not go gentle into that good night,
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Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.