How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”