who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
You Might Also Like
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
see you in hell you stupid fruit