judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
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Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
This is my emotional support knife.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything