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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Doormats are a gateway rug.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.