Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
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I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Think I pulled my liver