So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now