My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
โIt rises in the yeast and sets in the waistโ ๐๐พโโ๏ธ๐๐พโโ๏ธ
You Might Also Like
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
When people introduce a statement with โNot gonna lie,โ it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
A car hit me once, but it was okay because Iโm autoimmune
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like Iโm about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, maโam
Them: hmmmmmโฆ.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldnโt find it.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
when someone tells me love is in the air ๐ท
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
ok this is my dumbest yet
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*