I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”