This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
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[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.