When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
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Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do