Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
You Might Also Like
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I thought this was funny lol
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn