Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now