Girl, same.
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going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time