Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
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me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.