My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Camping tip: No.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.