“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
The pasta is now
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’m not proud
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
goldfish mafia
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!