How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
those birds must be on payroll
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed