Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
we did it you guys we saved daylight
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Taking phone security to the next level.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.