*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
You Might Also Like
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
what
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Breaking news:
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Botany good plants lately?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I don’t know what to do