#oldknees
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She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Not all heroes wear capes….
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing