I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.