After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
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I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
This is so me 😂😂