[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
excuse me
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
they really do be looking like this
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.