I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Not helping
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”