*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Cat.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.