POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
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I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?