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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.