The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!