The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
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scared to check what name she chose
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”