My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.