Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
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Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Never forget.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
We found love in a hopeless place.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no