[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room