in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.