How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
me opening up to someone
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Don’t we all.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”